Why Orochimaru really went crazy
by Furofushi
Summary: Basically what the title says. A silly list of stories from Orochimaru's past and just what made him officially lose it and end up who he is today. Crack. Rated T to be safe.
1. Unexpected

**Authors notes****:**Hello! Welcome to the most crack-ass thing I have ever written. XD It actually started out as a stupid inside joke and just kind of blew up. This story is actually a little old, it's been gathering dust for about a month now, but it's still pretty good according to my friend who read it and insisted I publish it. lol. I'll probably be submitting parts of it over the next week or so, and most of the chapters are pretty short.

Also, if you couldn't already tell from the description, this entire thing is basically a bunch of silliness based around the idea of 'what in the world could have happened that made Oro-kun the crazy person he is today'. So, yeah, lots of Orochimaru torture... I'm such a horrid fangirl. XD And Oro-kun's parents have no names... I'm a failure like that.

**Warnings****:**Not my characters. I mean, technically I made up his parents, but other than that everyone belongs to Kishimoto. Oh, and this is coming from me of all people so there will be hints at really crack ass pairings, all of them one-sided. That includes yaoi. There will probably be cursing at some point. Naybe more, but I can't think of anything right now. Basically this is pretty tame for what I normally write. LOL.

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It was a bright day in the leaf village when a young couple learned they were soon to be expecting their first child. The newly married couple were overjoyed with the news. They had always been told by the local doctors, and medial ninja of the village they would never be able to produce offspring, and the coming of a child was great news.

The doctor had told them that they should be expecting a girl, and the young couple spent the next nine months preparing for the new arrival. They renovated the guest room of their home into a nursery, and filled it with everything a baby girl could possibly need and want in their infant years.

When the day finally came they rushed to the hospital, prepared for their new baby girl. Needless to say, that isn't what they got.

It was a boy, pale as could be physically possible with bright gold, snake-like eyes. Even though he was only a new-born baby, he already had a full head of midnight black hair, and seemed to have a certain intelligence to him already. That boy was named Orochimaru, and the day of his birth was were everything started to go hideously wrong...

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"Honey... What in the world are you doing?", asked a tired looking young man. His wife had been acting strangely ever since they had gotten home from the hospital. She just couldn't seem to wrap her head around the fact that she had a son, not a daughter. It was almost kind of sad, really.

The small, month-old boy was being held in his mothers' lap, looking at her with curious golden eyes. She had some form of frilly pink cloth held in her hands, and she was currently attempting to put it on the poor child.

"I'm just getting Orochi-chan dressed is all," she said happily, completely ignoring the look she was getting from her husband. He had been on a constant 'stop trying to turn our son into a girl' spree and she could care less for it. After all, the boy was still just a baby. If she wanted to put him in a dress she had every right to. It isn't like he would remember it when he got older, and make him grow up to be a purple bow-wearing cross dresser.

The sleep deprived man just watched for a second before saying as calmly as he could,"Honey... Orochimaru is a _boy_. If you want a daughter that badly we can adopt one, but for the love of god leave the poor boy alone. You'll traumatize his innocent little impressionable mind and corrupt his entire way of being for the rest of his life."

She just huffed and said in a very childlike, indignant way,"Fine!" With that she stood up, handed the small, very confused looking baby to her husband, and walked away.

He looked down at his son, who was currently trying to pull off the infernal pink lace, and sighed. When Orochimaru realized that the dress wasn't coming off he looked up at his dad, as if he was asking,"Why me?"

The boys father was convinced that even though he was only a month old the boy was pretty intelligent beyond his time. "I don't know what's wrong with that woman, Orochimaru. I just don't know... I promise I'll try to find a shrink,"he said tiredly, pulling the evil dress off his small son.


	2. Purple

A man sat reading in his living room, waiting for his wife and son to return. Normally he would be panicking at this point, considering some of the truly bizarre things the woman had tried to force on the boy (including a frilly pink dress most girls wouldn't wear, and a pretty decent amount of purple), but today he didn't much mind. She was just going out for groceries, right? What harm could she inflict on the mental state of their three year old boy shopping for food?

Apparently he had thought too soon. He could hear the front door burst open, and then the sound of small footfalls rushing down the hallway.

Soon enough a teary eyed boy ran into the room, and practically latched onto his father. The boys long black hair had been put up into a very feminine looking pony tail and he was hiding his face by burying it in his fathers shirt.

The man let out a sigh, realizing he should have been suspicious with his wife's odd behavior. Odd behavior being that she had let the boy alone for a few days. That just wasn't normal.

"What happened, Orochimaru?", he asked calmly, looking down at his son. The poor boy. He knew that the kid was doomed to be a bit odd, what with having bright golden eyes and white skin, but his mother was making it about ten times worse...

Orochimaru simply shook his head, refusing to show his face. He may still be small but he was smart for his age and he already knew his dad would probably end up trying to strangle his, semi-psychotic mother when he saw what she had done.

When a smiling woman walked in after them the oldest male turned his attention in her direction,"What in the world did you do to Orochimaru this time?"

She frowned slightly and said,"Well, this one actually wasn't entirely my fault. You see I get sick of having to put on new eyeshadow every day and since I only wear one color one of my girl friends told me about this place that tattoo's on permanent make-up-"

His face went as pale as his sons as soon as he heard the word 'permanent', but his wife continued,"I decided to stop by on the way home from the grocery store. The problem was the guy that worked there had apparently left his glasses at home, Orochimaru fell asleep, the moron mistook him for me, and well..."

By now she had scooted herself so that she had better access to the back door, and was prepared to make a run for it. A very wise thing to do knowing her husband and how touchy he was went it came to their son.

Orochimaru was still hiding his face, and planned on staying like that as long as he could, which didn't turn out to be too long at all. His father lifted his face up and nearly screamed. Bright purple had been oddly tattooed around his eyes and half way down the boys nose, making his bright, serpentine eyes stand out that much more. It was obvious that the poor kid was still in a pretty decent amount of pain and his face was swollen slightly, giving off an odd red-ish tint.

The small boys mother scooted closer to the door as she watched the look on her husbands face.

Three... Two... One...

The woman ran for it, knowing all too well what was coming as her husband put down their three year old and ran after her.

Orochimaru sat in the living room for a long time in complete silence. Faint yelling could be heard as two married ninja ran through the village, one being chased, the other chasing in a violent rage.

The pale boy finally stood up, pulling his hair out of the pony-tail,"Well... At least I like purple..."

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**Authors Notes****:**Hey! This chapter was actually really random... But then again this story is mostly crack so yeah... Yes Permanent make-up actually exist. My old English teacher actually missed a week of school so that she could heal after getting it. So... Now you know where the purple around oro-kun's eyes came from. XD


	3. School

**Authors notes****:**Hey! This really shouldn't have taken this long to update. -_-' Oh, well. I hope you guys have liked it so far! ^-^ This is seriously one o the most random drabble/story things I have ever written.

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Okay, Orochimaru. Just try to have a good day, okay? Make some friends. Learn something,"my father said, trailing off. He never did talk much, and trying to come up with stuff to say wasn't an easy task for him.

I just nodded and walked over to the area I was supposed to head to. It was my first day at the ninja academy, and my dad had decided that he would be the one to drop me off, not trusting my mother at all after the whole 'permanent make-up' incident.

When I walked into the classroom there were other kids my own age talking with one another. Most of the kids around here lived in the same area and had all known each other. My mother had taken me to see one of her friends child once, but I ended up with a chunk of my hair cut out, and the brat ended up with a broken arm. To put it simply I was the only one who wasn't talking to someone else. I walked over to an empty seat and simply sat down, deciding that trying to talk with someone might end in a catastrophe.

After a moment or so I rest my head on the desk in front of me, bored with waiting for the sensei to come into the classroom. The constant chatter of the other students was also starting to grind against my nerves.

Suddenly I heard someone sit next to me. I didn't think much of it, most of the seats had already been taken.

"So what's your name?", asked whoever was sitting next to me. I turned to see a boy with the spikiest white hair I had ever seen. He had tan skin with red lines running down from his eyes, which were a deep black. I wonder if his hair's naturally that color...

"My name is Orochimaru," I stated simply. He gave this rather bizarre smirk, leaning forward slightly so that his face was but a couple inches in front of my own, and said,"Orochimaru, huh? Mind if I call you Orochi, angel?"

I might not be a socialite but I'm quite sure calling people 'angel' isn't a common behavior among people who have only recently met. I just quirked a brow and said calmly,"Sure, do as you wish."

He smirked even wider, and said in a weirdly deep tone,"So, Orochi, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" I'm pretty sure this guy is crazy.

I think I had seen this somewhere before. What was it called... flirting? Yes, I think that's it. What was flirting again?..

When I remembered what it was I felt a light blush spread across my face, and I asked calmly,"You do know I'm a boy, correct?"

The smirk fell off his face instantly, replaced with a look of sheer confusion. "B-but you're too pretty! There is no way you could be...", he trailed off, muttering more to himself than anyone else in particular.

After a while of some heavy mental processing he seemed to come to some form of conclusion. "I don't mind," he said happily,"You're still pretty hot. By the way, my name's Jiraiya, beautiful. You can call me anything you want, though." He winked in my direction, and just as I was about to say something the sensei finally walked in.

And that is how I ended up with an annoying white haired pervert following me around, and hitting on me every five seconds.


	4. Stalker

**A/N****:**Hey people! Yeah... I haven't updated this in a while... Sorry... Semester exams are a pain. DX Anyways... More crack for you to enjoy! Disclaimer and all that jaz was in the first chapter.

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Are all girls crazy? I'm starting to get that impression. I mean, every single girl I know is a total nut case, and should probably be locked in a padded room...

It's been a month since starting my ninja training at the academy. It really isn't all that hard. The only thing I find trouble with are the group assignments. Why is it that others find the easiest of task so difficult? If I didn't know any better I might say that I had been dumped in with the stupidest children in all of Konaha...

But enough of the ranting. Back to the main point here. I have officially deemed the entire female race as mentally unstable.

I would be willing to bet that you are wondering why it is I have come to such a conclusion. It's quite simple really. They all exhibit behavior of which I am certain shows signs of insanity and mental instability.

Take, for example, the way they act. To one person they act as though they are best friends. They converse vividly and excitedly, laughing that dainty way females do. Then they go to some other girl and speak of how horrid, and unbearable the other is. It makes no sense at all. Of course, this is just one of many strange behaviors I have observed in the female race. I would tell you of all the confusing things of which these creatures seem to participate in, but it would take me days and this is but a simple drabble...

The weirdest behavior though, other than my mothers' of course, is the behavior of a blond girl in my class. I believe that she goes by the name of Tsunade. She acts so bizarrely. It's getting to the point it goes from a random childish act to border-line creepy...

She _stalks_ me. I am not joking. She has been following me around for about a week or so now. I don't think she knows of my insight but I've caught her quite a few times. The other day she followed me home. She actually starred at my house for about ten minutes after I walked in before walking off. What a freak. I'm quite certain that isn't normal behavior.

So I have come to the conclusion that this is not healthy and should be dealed with immediately. I plan on confronting her about the situation. Maybe she'll finally leave me alone, and stop following me like some form of annoying insect.

I have finally concocted my plan, and just in time. As I walk into the class room I notice that the only available seat is beside the blond girl in question. Perfect.

I walk over casually, giving no hint at all that I plan on interrogating the girl. After I sit down I start to turn so that I an confront her.

I am interrupted, though, by Tsunade turning to face me, and asking calmly,"Can I ask you something?" You just did Tsunade. That's what I want to say, but instead of sounding like what the other students call a 'smart-ass' I reply with a simple,"Yes?" She takes a few seconds to piece her words together before saying,"I know this might sound stalker-ish, but I've been following you around lately," no surprise there, Tsunade,"But I just wanted to know... Are you gay?"

I'll be quite honest with you at this point in time. I really hadn't the slightest idea of what gay meant. I had heard my father use it a few times when talking to my mother. "Leave the boy alone, you'll turn him gay if you keep trying to turn him into a girl," was the normal context of such sentences. When I looked it up in the dictionary, though, the definition was a rather confusing one. Gay was simply an odd word for happy. I know my father wants me to be happy, seeing as he's the first to rescue me when my mother comes up with some horrid idea involving pink and make-up. This explains just why it is I hadn't the slightest idea of what to think.

I eventually decided that the definition in the dictionary must be correct, and that my father must just be unaware of the words true definition. "I suppose I am," I said calmly.

She just starred at me for a minute, laughed so hard she ended up hyperventilating, and eventually turned away from me. I could have sworn I saw blood run down from her nose at some point.

Unfortunately, it was only when I got home and told my father about what had happened that I discovered what she had actually meant.

Well... I guess it could have been worse... Probably not...


	5. Occupation

**A/N: **Sadly, this is probably one of my favorite chapters in this story so far. XD This is the reason I should not be allowed to talk to my crazed friends. Weird crap like this pops into my head. lol.

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Sitting on the sofa next to my father, everything seemed pretty normal. Just watching television. We did this every day after I got home from the academy when my father wasn't on missions, which he normally was. It was one of the activities we could enjoy together other than training.

Suddenly he stood up and stated, heading for the door,"I've gotta head out now. I won't be home till later." My mom walked out of the kitchen, waving good bye to my father as he pulled a bag out of the hall closet and walked out the door.

I had always been curious about that bag and where it was he went to. I was still too young to think to just look inside the bag, but I was old enough to notice there was something odd about it.

"Mother,"I started,"What is it father does when he leaves at night?" She blinked at me, almost as if she was shocked to hear the question and it wasn't quite computing for her. She eventually walked over and sat on the sofa next to me.

Patting my knee in a motherly show of affection, she said calmly,"It's complicated, Orochi-chan. All you need to know is that he does it because it's the only way to pay the bills. Missions just don't pay that much these days..." I looked at her curiously for a moment, noticing the light pink that had worked its way across her cheeks. How peculiar.

"Does father do something illegal?", I asked calmly. It wasn't hard to keep a straight face. After all, my father was the only person I spoke with on a daily basis that was, for the most part, mentally stable. Not much could ruin my image of him.

She let out a sigh, and said,"He's not involved in anything illegal. It's simply frowned upon in most societies." I gave her a questioning look, knowing that she would end up telling me what I wanted to know. She's the kind of person who couldn't keep a secret if it meant the difference between life and death. I was pretty sure this was a bit less dramatic than such a case, but I still knew it was only a matter of time.

She starred down at me for a moment or so, apparently going over something in her mind, before asking,"You're old enough to understand just about anything I tell you, right?" I nodded once in reply and she let out another sigh.

"You're father's a male stripper,"she said, her face going as red as it could possibly get.

I starred for a moment, blinking once. I had absolutely no idea what in the world a 'male stripper' was. I had never heard the term before. In fact, I thought a stripper was someone who tore things apart into strips.

My mom seemed to pick up on my confusion and said so quickly I could barely understand what she was saying,"A stripper is someone who throws their clothes off and dances in their underwear for money."

I felt my jaw actually drop open. That was _definitely _**not **what I was expecting. I was expecting drug trafficking. I was expecting something involving murder, or underground ninja business. I was expecting shady deals in a dark alley. I was _not_ expecting my dad to be someone to dance around in his underwear for money.

My mom glanced at my face once before realizing that she had, what I assumed, probably broken a promise she had made to not tell me, and ran off.

I was left sitting in the living room, by myself, left to mull over the knowledge that the only person I knew of as sane was far from it.


End file.
